TOEFL iBT2, Writing | FIRST PARAGRAPH
In the previous exercise, you already practiced brainstorming, planning and writing an introduction (a list of topics and the choosers can be found here). In this post, you will practice writing the introduction again, and more importantly, the first paragraph in the main body.
For a general idea about writing a paragraph, remember that it should always be introduced by a TOPIC SENTENCE, which is then supported with DETAILS, EXPLANATION, REASONS, and EXAMPLES... A paragraph is, roughly say, a discussion of one of the MAIN IDEAS found in the planning stage.
Thao Nguyen
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All right, your writing looks very well organized. What can be done to improve it is to write more effective topic sentence. For example, the first topic sentence can be like this: “Learning in school is very effective for the following three reasons. First, …”
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Thao Nguyen writes:
The grand essential to success in this life is learning, and, nowadays, it becomes more and more important. In the modern life, many choices of learning are provided, include remote education with using technology or traditional education at school. In my opinion, I pretty prefer to learn at school, where I not only can learn more effectively but also can accumulate good experiences about this life. OK
At first, learning in school 's really more effective. It’s better for students because when they have any problem in learning, they can easily
The second reason, when students go to school, they can get more things other than academic lessons. People all know learning could be useless without practice and experiences about this life. [Nowadays, all the companies require not only the degree, but also the experiences about life and good communication.](Good) When students go to school, they can see and think about the true life. They can learn how to communicate, how to live, how to be loved… that are necessary for you to easily live and work in this society.
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Thao Nguyen writes:
The grand essential to success in this life is learning, and, nowadays, it becomes more and more important. In the modern life, many choices of learning are provided, include remote education with using technology or traditional education at school. In my opinion, I pretty prefer to learn at school, where I not only can learn more effectively but also can accumulate good experiences about this life.
At first, learning in school 's really more effective. It’s better for students because when they have any problem in learning, they can easily advise their teachers for helps. Of course, almost teachers in school are very kind so that they’ll try their best to help students to face the problem. In the other hands, students can learn with friends so that they can make the comparison with their friends in learning. It’s very good for students to encourage themselves. As a result, they can see both their abilities and limitations. So, they can know exactly what they should pay more attention, what they should give up to learn better. Additionally, school provide good conditions, for example, the well-equipped laboratory, useful library, free tutors club…That’s why school’s still always the best place for learning and researching.
The second reason, when students go to school, they can get more things other than academic lessons. People all know learning could be useless without practice and experiences about this life. Nowadays, all the companies require not only the degree, but also the experiences about life and good communication. When students go to school, they can see and think about the true life. They can learn how to communicate, how to live, how to be loved… that are necessary for you to easily live and work in this society.
Nguyet Anh
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I would suggest that you rewrite your topic sentence so that it can be more effective. Try to include the number of reasons in your topic sentence. For example, “…. for three following reasons.”
Another suggestion is to explain/ giving examples to the first and the second reason.
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Acording to me, It’s a good idea for school to have some organizations. Because they can provide good advices for student . In somecase, student don’t know how to take part in some class or how to study well, they can come there and ask for help. And if they have problem, they also can tell it to the people who work in those organization. However, believing in someone and tell them about your problem can make you feel more comfortable. In this case, it’ll be very effective, because living in new place is not easy and don’t have many friends; therefore, here is what they need to begin new things well. For example, in my school, some student who are from another city, they ofen go to the organizations like this. As a result, they feel very comfortable and know how to study well and live better. They are exciting when telling about their effect.
KHOA
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In general, your writing is well structured. However, the following problems need to be taken into consideration in order to improve it:
- your introduction need a ‘general idea’ to lead into your ‘topic’
- try to produce a more effective topic sentence
- Your reason and details do not support the first main idea
- Your second reason does not support the second main idea
These mistake could be due to poor brainstorming and planning. Spend more time on this stage would greatly improve your skill.
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My school has received a gift of money and has not known how to use it effectly. In my opinion, i think the best way to spend the money is upgrading school's facility.
For a school, having excilent teachers is not enough. we need a better facility to have the best education's quality. [ First, I think that it will make the school more modern in students' view and make them more excited in study]( irrelevant: should be talking about education quality ). [ in otherside, when someone who is the first time come to this school, they will impress with that and want to study in there. So that our school will be more famous.
]( irrelevant: should be about education, not fame)
Secondly, the facility will help teacher to do their job more easier
]( fragmented )
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Khoa writes:
My school has received a gift of money and has not known how to use it effectly. In my opinion, i think the best way to spend the money is upgrading school's facility.
For a school, having excilent teachers is not enough. we need a better facility to have the best education's quality. First, I think that it will make the school more modern in students' view and make them more excited in study. in otherside, when someone who is the first time come to this school, they will impress with that and want to study in there. So that our school will be more famous.
Secondly, the facility will help teacher to do their job more easier but more effective in theory lessons. For an example, using computer in class is a convenient way to learn the lesson faster than writing on the board. Not only in theory lesson, in practising lesson, the better facility make the school have more tools and equipments to improve students' practising skill. Like practising with chemical, scientific equipment, etc...
NAM
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First I really appreciate your attempt to write up a complete essay. It is also recognized that the essay has a good lay-out.
Here comes a suggestion for improvement: I think that the thesis statement is a bit too big for your essay. You’d better pick only one of the two topic sentences to make your thesis statement. Because the thesis statement is to general, you have too many things to include. Paragraph one in the main body, for example, includes problems and solutions, which confuses the reader. Paragraph two, as another example, includes study environment and ‘other things’, which, once again, make it too complicated. Narrow down your thesis statement may resolve this problem.
There are other problems in your writing including topic sentence, wording, word class, style… I’d be more than willing to discuss these problems once you figured out the issue mentioned above.
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I have being studied at University of Technology HCMC just for 2 months. From the time entering here until now, I realize that there is one existing problem which should be changed to make the teaching be better. [ That is the university does not help students to grasp knowledge with effective ways because of the bad way of the lecturing of the teachers and no beneficially environmental studying](so, your thesis statement is:’your school does not help ss learn effectively’).
[ Why do lectures make the students at my university feel uninteresting? ](so, this supports the idea of ‘lecture makes student uninteresting’??)Yes, I think that the first answer is because the teachers impart boringly knowledge to the learners. During the time at class, the lecturer only talks and it seems as if there is no time for topic discussing. Consequently, this leads the students be passive when they only listen and take notes. Additionally, the lack of the assignments relating to real life or real practices in company also lets the students question by themselves why they have to learn these topics. These should be changed. The solutions, I think, is that the lecturer should talk less and divide students into small groups at class to discuss about the topic. Besides, the teachers should also invest more time on researching the practical requirements from companies to give useful topics and assignments to the students.
[ The second answer contributing to this student’s boring feel at my university ](so, this supports the idea of ‘what make student bored’??)is that environmental studying is not usefully effective. Actually, our campus is being become narrow when my university, one of the largest universities in Vietnam, is the place for gathering all loved-technology students over country. So, campus needs to be expended. Moreover, more labs also needed to be supported with modern equipments, more internships should be sent to company for practices. Other things, I think, are important changes are that my university also should help students to feel different other teachings by inviting foreign professors to teach.
Finally, the above is my reasons and solutions, I think, are very important to change the way of studying and teaching at my university. By supporting attractive lectures, interestingly environmental studying, I am sure that the students at my university will be attracted to the topics at class and surely they will be proud of my university where they are studying.
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Nam writes:
I have being studied at University of Technology HCMC just for 2 months. From the time entering here until now, I realize that there is one existing problem which should be changed to make the teaching be better. That is the university does not help students to grasp knowledge with effective ways because of the bad way of the lecturing of the teachers and no beneficially environmental studying.
Why do lectures make the students at my university feel uninteresting? Yes, I think that the first answer is because the teachers impart boringly knowledge to the learners. During the time at class, the lecturer only talks and it seems as if there is no time for topic discussing. Consequently, this leads the students be passive when they only listen and take notes. Additionally, the lack of the assignments relating to real life or real practices in company also lets the students question by themselves why they have to learn these topics. These should be changed. The solutions, I think, is that the lecturer should talk less and divide students into small groups at class to discuss about the topic. Besides, the teachers should also invest more time on researching the practical requirements from companies to give useful topics and assignments to the students.
The second answer contributing to this student’s boring feel at my university is that environmental studying is not usefully effective. Actually, our campus is being become narrow when my university, one of the largest universities in Vietnam, is the place for gathering all loved-technology students over country. So, campus needs to be expended. Moreover, more labs also needed to be supported with modern equipments, more internships should be sent to company for practices. Other things, I think, are important changes are that my university also should help students to feel different other teachings by inviting foreign professors to teach.
Finally, the above is my reasons and solutions, I think, are very important to change the way of studying and teaching at my university. By supporting attractive lectures, interestingly environmental studying, I am sure that the students at my university will be attracted to the topics at class and surely they will be proud of my university where they are studying.
Anonymous
--- FEEDBACK ---
You have an effective introduction.
Your first paragraph is a bit confusing. Start your paragraph with an argument, which is also called main idea or topic sentence, then paraphrase, explain, reason, or prove it. Additionally, your example is a bit too long, which may consumes too much time and thus you don’t have time for other ideas and for proofreading.
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nowaday, a student who want to study well has to know how to use effectively both books and computers. But if my school has only money enough to buy computers or books for the library, I would prefer buying books. Because reading book not only give useful information, help student improving skills, but buying books also save a lot of money for school.
Most of people these day prefer to use computer at home to look up than wasting time reading books in the library. They almost think that using the high technology is the most effective way in this modern life. But in fact, tradition sometimes has is own benifits. In this case, if you use computer to look up, you may have the information faster than spending hours to read books; however as result, reading books can give you an all round knowlege than species of information from using computer. For example: You are doing a project and you have to find information about America. You look it up on the Internet, It may have a lot of results for you, sometimes it comes to thousands and make you really confuse and don't know which is helpful, which is useless, which information is the fact, which is just a lie...ect... Because Internet is the place that everyone can post the imformation freely, and none can make sure that they're right or wrong. But the books doesn't like that. Books can give you all rounded information, and you can make sure that all of them are right. Because that before a book is publish, it must be check by the publisher and the Culture& Infomation Center. You don't have to affair of the wrong or bad information, event the virus which can attack your computer.
