T-iBT3, Writing 01
In the previous class, we have learnt about Integrated writing, in which you are to read a short passage, listen to a short recording, then write a response showing the relationship of the ideas stated in the two passages. Of course you are to take notes while reading and listening. In order to take notes effectively, try practising by using your notes to restate the content given by the writer/ speaker. Repeating this strategies over and over again will give you an idea of what should and should not be put down in your note paper.
It is time you produced a complete response using the notes taken in class, in which we read and listened to a set of materials about Health: vending machine in school. Use the comment function below (by clicking on Comment link) to post your writing in this entry. Also, take more challenges by doing the second exercise in the book, the one about Social Science: TV and kids.
Cheers,
Teehee
General feedback
- Your responses should be divided into paragraphs for a clear structure
- Consider including all the relevant data/ details from the passages
- Choose words/vocabulary carefully; else you may cause ambiguity or even misunderstanding
Concerning the content
On the con side, you need to stress the fact that most food from vending machines are unhealthy, so they will cause obesity once abused.
On the pro side, include the two ideas: (1) well-fed children wont be harmed by junk food and (2) we can actually control when children buy food from vending machine.
RESPONSE 01: Phương Trang
--- FEEDBACK ---
In this response, you are able to show the contrasting relationship between the reading passage and the lecture.
However, the first suggestion for improvement is not to use contraction (e.g: they'll, they're) in academic writing. Secondly, be careful with conjunctions: they may improve the idea flow, or totally destroy it (such as the use of 'however' in your writing).
About the content, adding sufficient ideas to the two main points will greatly improve overall writing quality. For the first main idea, disadvantages of vending machine (vd), you should have been able to point out that most food and drink from vd are unhealthy; for the second main idea, you lack the part about 3-meal-a-day, which explain that well-balanced meals will make junk food less harmful, if not harmless. Also, you repeat the idea about ‘children eating junk food’ twice, which is not good.
--- CORRECTION ---
The reading passage and the lecture discuss about vending machines in school - [ good or not](not clear, consider rephrasing). Arcording to the passage, the doctor and the health worker think that they're not good at all. Putting vending machines in school means that we let the children eat tooo much fatty food, which is really unhealthy. So they'will be obese because of [ eating a lot of junk food ](repeated content) everyday. In sum,the children's heath problrm will get worse if the veding machines are allowed in school.In the lecture, although the speaker agrees that
--- ORIGINAL ---
The reading passage and the lecture discuss about vending machines in school - good or not. Arcording to the passage, the doctor and the health worker think that they're not good at all. Putting vending machines in school means that we let the children eat tooo much fatty food, which is really unhealthy. So they'will be obese because of eating a lot of junk food everyday. In sum,the children's heath problrm will get worse if the veding machines are allowed in school.In the lecture, although the speaker agrees that putting veding machines in school can be harm to the student's heath, he also feel that it is possible to allow vending machines in schools. However, to reduce problems related to vending machines, a possible solution is to only allow vending machines turned on after classed have finished. By that way, we can control how much sugary food that a student can buy. And he made sure that a little of junk food for a day can not do harm to the student’s health.
RESPONSE 02: Tin
--- FEEDBACK ---
You could make the structure clearer by breaking the writing into paragraphs. Doing this also enable you to focus better on what you are writing in every paragraph.
You abuse conjunctions/ transition signal. Take the second main idea, for example, you use ‘first, besides, finally’ although you are still discussing roughly about the same detail.
--- CORRECTION ---
The reading passage and the recording talk about [ it should or should not use vending machines](whether we should/ it is possible to place vending machines) in public schools. In the reading, they show many disadvantages
--- ORIGINAL ---
The reading passage and the recording talk about it should or should not use vending machines in public schools. In the reading, they show many disadvantages when putting the vending machine in schools. According to doctors and health worker, the main disadvantage is based on health and nutrition. When buying from the vending machine, children may consume unhealthy foods. Sugary foods like candy bars and drinks like colas from vending machines cause obesity. Moreover, letting children use vending machines is teaching them to be obese, their health will get worse. On the other hand, the recording have a trend to have the pro side about vending machine. The first point is the convenience of it, we could eat whenever we are hurry. Besides, children may already get healthy food from their home. So, it is not harmful for their health when using vending machines. They also say that if we turn on the vending machine in special time, children will have responsibility to use it. Finally, if we sure that children have already get nutritive in their homes, it's possible to put vending machines in schools for snacks.
RESPONSE 03: Nam
--- FEEDBACK ---
RESPONSE 04: Chan Phuong
--- FEEDBACK ---
RESPONSE 05: Nguyet Anh
--- FEEDBACK ---
8 people have left comments
NIGHTSKY said:
The reading passage and the recording talk about it should or should not use vending machines in public schools. In the reading, they show many disadvantages when putting the vending machine in schools. According to doctors and health worker, the main disadvantage is based on health and nutrition. When buying from the vending machine, children may consume unhealthy foods. Sugary foods like candy bars and drinks like colas from vending machines cause obesity. Moreover, letting children use vending machines is teaching them to be obese, their health will get worse. On the other hand, the recording have a trend to have the pro side about vending machine. The first point is the convenience of it, we could eat whenever we are hurry. Besides, children may already get healthy food from their home. So, it is not harmful for their health when using vending machines. They also say that if we turn on the vending machine in special time, children will have responsibility to use it. Finally, if we sure that children have already get nutritive in their homes, it's possible to put vending machines in schools for snacks.
Anonymous said:
Nam
The passage and lecture mention about the debate that it should have vending machine in school or not. The passage argues that allowing vending machines in school contributes childhood obesity due to eating too much junk food. These kinds of food affect the eating habit of children. Because of these disadvantages, vending machines should not be allowed to put in schools.
However, the lecturer thinks that vending machine is not harmful. He agrees vending machine could contributes unhealthy risks to children when children are easy to buy snacks and drinks. But children have already eaten rich nutrient food from breakfast, dinner at home and from lunch at school cafeteria. So having more junk food from vending machine is not the main reasons making children unhealthily. He proposes solutions to restrict children buying junk food by turning on vending machines only at certain time. He also talks that parents and school board should trust children and let they be responsible and taking care of themselves.
Anonymous said:
The debate of having vending machine in school is the main point in the passage and listening section.
According to the passage, it has the disadvantage of having vending machine in school. Because of the fact that it has many sugar food and drink such as colas and candy bar commonly caused obesity. The children are easily getting overweight due to eat so much unhealthy food like that. That’s the reason why their health will get worse if having vending machine in school.
In the contrast, the listening section has the pro sides of having it in school. Firstly, the junk food is not harmful to the children’s health because they are already having 3 main meals a day at home and in canteen that supply enough healthy food such as fish, cereals…Secondly, we could turn on the vending machine in the specific time to cause the habbit of eating fast food from children. So children could have some snack after school but till not affect their health.
Anonymous said:
sorry, i forgot to write my name : Chan Phuong(comment November 4, 2008 7:46 PM)
Anonymous said:
from Chan Phuong,
It's not the homework but tried to write a paraphrasing of the main idea of "science" passage. Hope to have r correction:
P1: Previuosly, people accustomed to have fluoride in toothpastes and water as the solution of preventing cavity.
P2: It is no need to have fluoride in water and toothpastes because it is not cure tooth decay.
Anonymous said:
From: Nguyet Anh
The reading passage and the lecture is about the issue of having vending machines in public school.
According to the passage, they tell us about the disadvantage of vending machines. Because it can make the students become fatter by eating too much fast food and sweet drinks.So the health of children is more worse if there is a vending machine in shool.
On the other hand, it's fine if there is a vending machines in shool by 2 following reasons. Fristly, the students always have 3 main meals every day, so it's no problem when eating fast food. Secondly, the vending machines can be control by turning on at right time and make the students have a reponsibility for their health.So, it's suitable to have a vending machine in school.
Anonymous said:
Phương Trang
The reading passage and the lecture discuss about vending machines in school - good or not. Arcording to the passage, the doctor and the health worker think that they're not good at all. Putting vending machines in school means that we let the children eat tooo much fatty food, which is really unhealthy. So they'will be obese because of eating a lot of junk food everyday. In sum,the children's heath problrm will get worse if the veding machines are allowed in school.In the lecture, although the speaker agrees that putting veding machines in school can be harm to the student's heath, he also feel that it is possible to allow vending machines in schools. However, to reduce problems related to vending machines, a possible solution is to only allow vending machines turned on after classed have finished. By that way, we can control how much sugary food that a student can buy. And he made sure that a little of junk food for a day can not do harm to the student’s health.